Wednesday, July 22, 2009

eat me

Holy crap. So much going on. A lot of it taking place on the work front, but things are too unsettled to discuss yet. Exciting stuff to be covered in future posts, for sure.

Anyway, this is a little late, but I can’t go one post further without telling you about our first ever lobster boil on the fourth of July.

Let me begin by saying that this was a serious ordeal; caterers, air castle, cotton candy machine, snow cone maker, and a buffet the length of a football field. The party was being held at Kurt’s brother Eric’s place up in Milton, NY, and he was not, shall we say, making love around.

The next thing I should mention is that there were a lot of kids there. I mean, a lot of kids. Which meant there was…

You guessed it.

A clown.

The weird thing about clowns is that they’re actually people, as it turns out. They wake up in their underpants, surrounded by empty bourbon bottles, wipe the cigarette ashes out of their hair, and apply clown makeup in the jagged wedge of mirror resting on a gas station toilet. Then they clear their throats and practice saying “hi kids” in a falsetto voice, before heading off to entertain children.

I’d include one of the pictures I took of the clown in this post, but I fear he’ll google himself, see it, hunt me down, chop me up, and bury me under the floorboards. So you’ll just have to trust me that he was equal parts entertaining and terrifying.

The next thing of note is the way the lobsters were prepared by the caterers. Let me add, by the way, that I’m using the term “caterer” a little loosely. If you’re picturing a mustachioed Frenchman in a tall chef hat, you’re close. Replace the Frenchman with an ex-roadie for the Marshall Tucker Band on probation for a jet ski DUI, and you’re getting closer.

The lobster preparations began with a solemn ceremony, during which the caterers stacked the lobsters in comical positions and supplied funny voices on their behalf.

“Eat me, eat me!”
“I love to gang bang!”
“I’m a stupid lobster. Mah mah mah.”

When the preparations ended, the caterers began the process of ripping the live lobsters in half, one by one, which, in the words of one of the caterers, “is how you do it. I saw it on TV.”

Basically, they throw all the lobsters into a big pot, boil them until their shell has gone from dark brown to bright red, and ring the dinner bell. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I was gonna be able to consume these creatures after just having watched their violent dismemberment. Luckily, that’s why they make beer. I had two lobsters and a large pile of macaroni and cheese.

Then came the cookies. Then the brownies. Then cotton candy. Then a snow cone. Then more beer.

Then I looked around at all the families surrounding me, and had a sudden revelation about parenthood.

Nobody’s even trying to suck in their guts.

Sign me up.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Floating Around in My Head

1. Poultry - I have another chicken commercial shoot coming up in August right when Christine will be popping out Baby Liker. I would SOOOO rather be in Chicago sniffing and caressing my newborn "nephew" than catering to a bunch of crochety clients - one of whom sadly resembles Dick Cheney in mind, body and spirit.

2. Asia - The Mister and I recently booked tickets to Hong Kong at the end of October. During that trip we're going to make our way to Cambodia to see Angkor Wat (google it, you'll be blown away) and a couple of spots in Vietnam. We are so incredibly excited to go and see/experience something totally foreign to us. But not excited to fly 16 hours in coach or leave Fran for two weeks. Oh well.

3. Goldman Sachs - Kevin has been trying to get me to care about those a-holes for awhile now. About a month ago he read an article in Rolling Stone about what a bunch of greedy jerks they are. I finally read it today after hearing that they posted a $3.5 Billion profit. To say I'm filled with rage is an understatement. Goodbye America, hello Canada!

4. Gay Marriage - Love is love is love is love. Can we please move into the 21st century?

5. Ray Ban Wayfarers. I would like it if everyone could please stop wearing these sunglasses. JFK is the only guy who can pull them off. Not even Tom Cruise.

Thank you and Goodnight!

pray for me

I'm trying bikram yoga for the first time tomorrow morning.
Hopefully I'll have some sexy, banana hammock-wearing instructor like the guy in the pic above - one can dream!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

around town

Sorry to have left you staring at those disgusting poo pics. Here are some shots I've snapped over the past few months. My personal favs are the "don't pee on me" sign, and the $9 watermelons which, presumably, are rind-covered gold bullion.

Crissy, Fran and I are going up to Kurt's this weekend for the 4th. Hopefully we'll come back with some good blog fodder.

Happy 4th!