Tuesday, September 23, 2008

First Day of School

So, yesterday was my first day on the new job, and everything went great. No wedgies, no swirlies, no stolen lunch money. Everyone was very nice and civil. In fact, my orientation provided plenty of comic material, albeit unintentionally.

The cross section of people that joined me for orientation was so hilariously stereotypical that I simply can’t be blamed for noticing it. I am not making these up…they are based on actual observations, NOT exaggerations. The blatant, and totally un-PC, stereotypes were the following:

The toothy, pistol-fingered Gameshow Host Guy. Everything this guy said was loud, addressed to the entire group, and with one eyebrow raised. He was, by his own estimation, the handsome-faced comic relief, who’s sole intention was to look good for the…

Skanky-looking just-graduated-from-college chick. Jet black, straightening-iron-damaged hair, band-aids all over her feet, and a bored look on her face, she sniffed out the high douche factor of Gameshow Guy before roll call.

All business, pants-suited African American chick. She asked a lot of questions by raising her pen. Her hair was so perfect I thought it was a wig for several hours.

Puffy-eyed, red-faced guy with an Irish accent who couldn’t stop yawning. He yawned for 6 hours, and drank at least 15 cups of coffee. He winced his way through the day.

Meek, quiet, shockingly pale red-headed girl who didn’t say a word all day, except to whisper, “It’s so cold in here. So cold.”

Bespectacled Hispanic chick with intentionally curled and styled sideburn hair who asked a lot of pointless questions, but didn’t understand the answers to any of them. During the benefits discussion, she asked what the difference was between a colonoscopy and a digital colon exam. The pants-suited African American chick raised her pen and answered the question.

Tiny-armed, tiny-handed gnomish IT guy with a blond goatee and a Queens accent (or at least what I imagine a Queens accent to be). He’s actually been working here for about a month, and I guess during that time a water pipe burst, and a lot of equipment was damaged. Also quiet, the only thing he said all day was, “Fucking mess, bro. Fucking clustuh-fuck.”

Since I am totally original and unique, there is no stereotype that exists for me. But if I were to make one up for myself, I guess I’d go with, I don’t know…

The smug, quietly judging, asks a lot of questions about Mac compatibility, slovenly dressed to prove my creativity guy.

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